I still am fat, but I used to be, too.

I paid for a gym membership for two years, during which I visited said gym one time, holding out hope.  The irrational kind of hope that only hoarders and others with mental disease would comprehend.  I thought if I continued to pay my $34/month and hang on to this barcode on my keychain I could give the illusion that I’m making an effort, yet stricken with a glandular problem or something.

In reality, I donated $800 for other people to get skinny because I was too scared to go into the gym and too prideful to cancel my membership.  Merry Christmas, Gold’s Gym.

Ok, so I wasn’t morbidly obese. According to the BMI scale I am currently “Overweight” now instead of “Obese” for the first time in eight years.  I’m celebrating my new found overweight status.  Overweight is the new ripped.  If you’re ripped, nobody likes you, eat more pasta.  You’re welcome for the tip.

In case you’re curious, here’s the gameplan that worked for me:

• no soda
• no pizza
• lotsa chicken
• cardio 3x week
• lift 3x week
• relearning to swim
• minus 50lb
• buy new clothes
• answer lotsa questions about escaping my pending obesity related death
• laugh at jokes about my girlfriend not feeding me that weren’t funny

Why was I intimidated by a gym full of half meatheads and half middle age women restarting their new years resolution every 8-10 weeks?

I used to be irrational… I still am, but I used to be, too.