I don’t want to be dependent on ambien to sleep at night, but it is an awesome assist to push me in that direction.  My mind resists conforming to a consistent schedule.

I’ve tried a lot of ideas to make sleeping easier.

• Reducing caffeine to nearly zero.
• Exercising regularly.
• Listening to music.
• Reading.
• Going to bed at the same time.
• Self-hypnosis (sort of)

Last night I tried writing down my thoughts.  Laying on the couch, in total darkness with a pen and notebook.  When I first started writing, I laughed to myself at how incredibly insane this scenario would appear to anyone looking on.

Reading through my scribbles the day after, has kind of scared myself.

I hate the movie Inception because it trivializes a thought I think about at night.

How does a thought trigger a response in your brain to instantly recruit other relevant memories to the party without hesitation?

I think my handwriting is even worse when I cannot see it, but I won’t know until tomorrow.

Clenching my teeth is a horrible habit I wish I could break.

Ritalin, stress and shitty teeth combined.

Making excuses is my worst habit.

Things I’ve thought about in the past hour:

jiu jitsu – I must learn to focus and get better every day

Dying: a ridiculous number of people die in war, yet someday everyone who survived war will be dead too. eg. no one survived the American Civil War.

Relaxing at night is a skill I don’t have.

Writing down my thoughts is difficult because my thoughts shift at a ridiculous rate.

LEDs are so fucking annoying in the dark.

Its weird that I try to write in the lines, using the full page even though I know I can’t succeed at the moment.

I appreciate having all my senses.

I got the sudden urge to photograph people losing.

Traditional motivational material is cheesy and predictable.

Failure is a powerful state.

I don’t fear failure anymore. Only grief.

Being disappointed in myself is a weird idea. I guess it implies a level of expectation that I’ve never really defined.

Everyone fails in an infinite number of things perpetually. Depending on scope, which is infinitely variable. What a hardcore nerd thing to think while trying to sleep.

“I won’t lose any sleep over it” is the most untrue thing I could ever tell anyone.

“People get worse everyday because they become more like their self everyday”  What a profound idea.

I hate constant negativity, ironically enough.

I feel like this might be included in my eulogy someday.  The lost thoughts of _ _ _

I still get choked up thinking about my grandpa who passed away nearly 2/3 of my life ago.

How many unrelated ideas can I really record in one insomnia induced rant?  Probably 17, but that is just a random count.

Is it possible to randomly count?

1am’ish. I might sleep.

I think my soul hurts from the sounds idling computers make.  I hate cheap fans.

I miss you ambien.

(attempt to sleep part 3)

My psychiatrist should probably never read this.