The elevator adds an interesting dynamic to my day.  I feel that you can learn a lot about a person by how they conduct themselves before, during and after riding on an elevator.

One trend that is consistent across all executives where I work is they all feel obligated to or maybe genuinely interested in small talk while in or near an elevator.  Every time.

This always catches me off-guard.  I tend to keep to myself and rarely chat it up with people I don’t know.

“It’s cold out there, huh?”.

I have no flippin’ clue, I haven’t been outside in 6 hours.

“Yup, sure is” and I immediately go back to pretending I’m reading some interesting, work-related email on my phone.

The last time this scenario played out, I got off the elevator wondering who just had the pleasure of an awkward elevator ride with me for 5 floors.  So, I hopped on the intranet and looked around.

It didn’t take long.

I had a feeling it was someone important and it was.

The president of our company.

Add “Researching company executives” to the 2010 To-Do list, right next to “Develop social skills you effing nerd”.

I’m supposed to be headed to surgery right now. Hopefully, that is the case.

Breathing through your nose is kind of a cool idea.  I wouldn’t really know though.  I’ve never been able to breath normally through mine.

My left nostril is 90% blocked by the piece of cartilage (septum) that divides my nose.

Wearing a mouthpiece kind of sucks, when you can only breath through your mouth. That will be a big plus post-op.

Your nasal passages warm up air before they hit your lungs. My lungs <3 warm air.

I’m curious to see how different things will be.

Olympic athletes go to Denver to train in higher altitudes for the lower oxygen levels.

Frank Mir had his fighters sprint on a treadmill while breathing through a snorkel.

I’ve been existing my whole life in lower oxygen levels.

Through some crazy transitive property, I’m an olympic athlete.

I’m predicting that in two or three weeks, I’ll be borderline super hero.

Or maybe just a dude with two usable nostrils.

Up next… wisdom teeth.

Looking back at my last 365 days, I’d admit I’ve had a great year.

I got a great job just before my previous employer cut wages and benefits.

I went on a fun vacation to New Orleans.

I sat on an island with little to no internet or phone for 3 days, eating tons of shrimp the entire stay.

I started swimming again for the first time in a decade.  Learning Total Immersion.

I joined a jiu jitsu school.

I went to my first open source software conference, Zendcon.

I traveled further west than I’ve ever been before, San Jose, CA.  Previously it was Vegas (2006-09) and before that, Kansas City, MO (1994-2006).

I discovered Thai food.

I tried sushi for the first time and became an addict.

I paid off a huge chunk of my student loan debt.

I got organized using Google Calendar.

Healthy. Happy. Employed.

Thanks 2009.

It’s easier to just not think about it.

That is a typical response when confronting any demon one might have.

It is easier to stay on one side of an issue and ignore any claims from the other side.

It is easier to get up in the morning and light that first cigarette, than it is to even consider life without them.

It is easier to post up on the couch and watch other people lead healthy, active lives than to incorporate those ideals in your own life.

Without some stimulus (not the Obama kind either), tomorrow is probably going to be a slight variation of today.  Procrastination is really mental inertia.  It is the momentum that is your habits that make up one’s typical daily life.

If today wasn’t what you want for yourself tomorrow, I suggest finding that external motivational force to nudge your status quo into something incrementally better.

Here’s my incremental improvement from 2 years ago or so.

I quit drinking regular soda because the math sucked.

one 20oz pepsi per day = 250 calories

Let’s say you burn off all the calories you eat in a day, except that one 20oz pepsi.

91,250 calories per year = 250 x 365

26 lb per year = 91,250 calories / 3500 calories per pound

I needed a lot of motivational forces to do 91250 calories worth of extra cardio.  So, I changed instead.

I’ve been in the gym at least 3-4 days a week for a little over a year.

Weight loss goals were achieved without any issue.

I’m significantly stronger now than 14 months ago.

I can jog 3-4 miles, no problem.

I can swim laps fairly efficiently, thanks to Total Immersion.

Enter anaerobic health.

When my heart-rate approaches 160, I have the fitness level of any random dude chugging 2-liters of Mountain Dew and eating meat-lovers pizza for every meal.

My coach can’t believe how much I struggle after I hit the anaerobic stages.  “What did you eat today?  List everything… be honest. ”

“Coffee?”… Nope.

“A buncha Mountain Dew?”… Don’t drink soda.

“McDonalds”… I don’t eat fast food.

“Get drunk all weekend?”… Nope.

In an effort to stop wasting practice time attempting to get my heart rate down, I phoned a friend.  A college friend who ran track, was always in ridiculous shape and is a lot smarter than I’ll ever be.

Here’s what he suggested:

Intervals

• Sprint 200m
• Walk 100m
• Repeat 8x

Run Hills

Run Stairs

The last line of his response was quite prophetic.

“You will die, of course.”

Death starts today!

Twelve amusing excuses for being late to work

In a past life, I have been guilty of being late to work for various reasons, mostly related to lack of sleep and procrastination.

There have been a few cases where I was legitimately not “on the floor and working” by my scheduled start time.

1. Police Shootout Closes the Interstate

Whose manager is going to believe that excuse?  Not mine.  Let’s consider how ridiculous this really is.

A bank robber is shot dead by police on a 15 mile stretch of road in Western Kentucky 20 minutes before I’m scheduled to be at work.  Someone give me a probability on how likely this is to ever happen?

2. A Cement Mixing Truck Rolls, Spilling onto I-64

I will find a link as soon as possible.

Sitting in traffic was a hobby of mine at that time of my life.  My patience is no longer as conditioned.  If this were to happen today, I’d expect road rage or at a minimum, a lot of loud cursing.

3. Getting pulled over, twice

Pretty embarrassing in the Middle of Nowhere, Kentucky.  I was working midnights on the weekend while in school.  I see red and blue lights in my rearview mirror.  10mph over the speed limit seemed trivial to me, but I pulled over anyway.  The car pulls up next to me honking its horn and laughing… drunk kids.

They got me. I’m a gullible idiot, perfect.

Two miles down the road, suprise!  A roadblock with real cop cars.  And guess who is getting out of their vehicle?  Drunk fake-cop kids!  I smiled.

“Have you been drinking?” the roadblock cop asked me.

“Uh no, just going to work”.

“At Midnight?”, the interrogation continued.  I didn’t mind though cause I got to see fake-cop driver kid fail his field of sobriety test.

When the cop returned from running my license he  asked me, “Have you been crying or something?”.  Wow.

I still am fat, but I used to be, too.

I paid for a gym membership for two years, during which I visited said gym one time, holding out hope.  The irrational kind of hope that only hoarders and others with mental disease would comprehend.  I thought if I continued to pay my $34/month and hang on to this barcode on my keychain I could give the illusion that I’m making an effort, yet stricken with a glandular problem or something.

In reality, I donated $800 for other people to get skinny because I was too scared to go into the gym and too prideful to cancel my membership.  Merry Christmas, Gold’s Gym.

Ok, so I wasn’t morbidly obese. According to the BMI scale I am currently “Overweight” now instead of “Obese” for the first time in eight years.  I’m celebrating my new found overweight status.  Overweight is the new ripped.  If you’re ripped, nobody likes you, eat more pasta.  You’re welcome for the tip.

In case you’re curious, here’s the gameplan that worked for me:

• no soda
• no pizza
• lotsa chicken
• cardio 3x week
• lift 3x week
• relearning to swim
• minus 50lb
• buy new clothes
• answer lotsa questions about escaping my pending obesity related death
• laugh at jokes about my girlfriend not feeding me that weren’t funny

Why was I intimidated by a gym full of half meatheads and half middle age women restarting their new years resolution every 8-10 weeks?

I used to be irrational… I still am, but I used to be, too.